[Update: The discussion in the comments—on this site and on some of my other profiles—has made me realize that my post title, “Look for People Who Believe What You Believe,” is misleading and unintentionally provocative. It isn’t meant to be a blanket statement about how to live life. Rather, it’s about how we develop meaningful relationships—and come to trust others—in particular contexts. I hope watching the video will reveal how Sinek’s message is far more complex and nuanced than my unhelpful and simplistic title summary!]
I’ve loved Simon Sinek ever since I heard his TED talk, Start With Why.
The 99 Percent has now made his more recent talk available, “If You Don’t Understand People, You Don’t Understand Business.” It’s a half-hour talk, and it’s worth every minute of your time.
But if you don’t have time, here are a few important soundbites. For anyone concerned about being more human in marketing and social media (as well as everyday life!), this is a must-watch. If you read my post yesterday, then you know the importance of building community. But your question might be: How do I find my community?
That’s what this is all about—from a big-picture perspective.
When we’re surrounded by people who believe what we believe, trust emerges. … We need trust. When we’re surrounded by people who believe what we believe … we’re more willing to take risks, we’re more willing to experiment (which requires failure), we’re more willing to explore and go somewhere that no one has ever gone before, with the confidence that if we fail, if we trip over, if we turn our backs, that those within our community … will look after us while we’re gone, will pick us up when we fall over … Our very survival depends on it.
We’re not good at everything. We’re not good by ourselves. … We all have our certain strengths and our certain weaknesses, and the goal isn’t to fix your weaknesses, the goal is to amplify your strengths, and to surround yourself with people who can do what you can’t do.
But it’s just not based on skills and application and experience; it’s based on what you believe. Simply being good at something and having somebody else being good at what you’re no good at doesn’t mean you will trust each other. Trust comes from the sense of common values and common beliefs.
If I ask you to go out on the street and find all the people who believe what you believe, you know exactly what to do. You’re going to strike up conversations, you’re going to start talking to people. Either you’ll have a good feeling about them, or you won’t. … Sometimes it’s quick, sometimes it’s slow. But we know how to do it. It’s called making friends, it’s called dating, it’s called networking. We have the innate ability to do it.
The problem is it’s not scalable. The problem is you’re the only one who had that gut feeling.
But if you know the symbols to look for, if you know how to see the things that people are doing and you can find them … [If they have a symbol], if they have something they’re giving off that says something about who they are and what they believe … [then you trust them].
We don’t trust everyone. We trust people within our community. But you have to know what to look for. Every decision we make in our lives is a piece of communication. It’s our way of saying something about who we are and what we believe. This is why authenticity matters. This is why you have to say and do the things you actually believe. Because the things you say and do are symbols of who you are. And we look for those symbols so we can find people who believe what we believe. … So if you’re putting out false symbols, you will attract people to those symbols but you won’t be able to form trust with them.
The goal of putting something out there: If you say what you believe and you do what you believe, you will attract people who believe what you believe.
The more you can give of yourself, the more you can give of what you believe, the more you can with discipline say and do the things you actually believe, strange things start to happen … Simply because of one tiny little symbol that was put out there that we are from the same place, we may have the same values, we may have the same beliefs, we’re drawn to each other, and [then] we legitimately trust each other and more importantly, will look out for each other.
You’ll have to watch the video to find out how Simon earned a homeless person more money in 2 hours than in a full day of begging. And I hope you do watch. The real impact of this video (and his message) comes from his anecdotes/examples, and in the genuineness of his delivery. He is a joy to listen to.
As a P.S., anyone not feeling fulfilled in their work ought to watch RIGHT NOW.
Jane Friedman has spent her entire career working in the publishing industry, with a focus on business reporting and author education. Established in 2015, her newsletter The Bottom Line provides nuanced market intelligence to thousands of authors and industry professionals; in 2023, she was named Publishing Commentator of the Year by Digital Book World.
Jane’s expertise regularly features in major media outlets such as The New York Times, The Atlantic, NPR, The Today Show, Wired, The Guardian, Fox News, and BBC. Her book, The Business of Being a Writer, Second Edition (The University of Chicago Press), is used as a classroom text by many writing and publishing degree programs. She reaches thousands through speaking engagements and workshops at diverse venues worldwide, including NYU’s Advanced Publishing Institute, Frankfurt Book Fair, and numerous MFA programs.
Great video, Jane. I watched it last night. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for stopping by! 🙂
I’ve learned quickly this past year that not everyone who shares my profession or my desire to grow in that profession via social media necessarily shares my values about the work we do or how to do it. It’s created a tricky road to negotiate as I make new connections, but the connections are still worth it. The important thing is for me to be really clear about what I stand for, and making sure that what I do online reinforces that.
Good post, Jane. Thanks!
John
Couldn’t agree more, John! Thanks for sharing that insight.
Why should trust require shared values and beliefs? Further, is this even a desirable goal to pursue? He’s a good speaker, but after 10 minutes of little real substance I tuned out..
If we’re surrounded by people who simply validate our own beliefs, I don’t know why it would follow that we’re more likely to take risks and experiment. It would seem intuitive that the opposite would just as easily hold sway – we would be less likely to question, less likely to explore, because we would be exposed to less new ideas and would not seek to go against the established ‘community.’ We can take chances in the knowledge that our community will support us just as we cannot take chances in the knowledge that our community will ostracise us. If an idea remotely challenges existing consensus (which is itself an odd thing to consider – as if beliefs are fixed and communities are based on immutable characteristics), I would wager the later would be the case. This reminds me of Eli Pariser’s ted talk on “filter bubbles” being created by search engines and online companies like facebook. If what you’re exposed to is constantly being filtered through what you (or Mark Zuckerberg) think is relevant to your beliefs, you end up only having your own beliefs validated, never challenged. So yes, seek out people who believe what you believe. But equally, seek out people who challenge what you believe.
Good points, Carley. I think the “shared values” message and the “trust” message need to be distinguished more clearly. I, for instance, trust a lot of people (on my local volunteer dept, in my academic dept, etc) who stand by ideologies that are radically different from mine. Sinek does mention the importance of diversity within organizations — and how it challenges us to think more creatively — but he doesn’t explore this in detail, at least not in this talk.
Great observation.
P.S. “Local volunteer dept” should have read “local volunteer fire dept.” Amazing how my proofreading improves right after I hit “send” or “submit.”
Thanks for the fascinating comment, Carley!
It feels like it might be helpful to express this more concretely (and I hope you might do the same in a follow up comment?), so I’ll use some examples from my life.
I used to work for a company that, initially, highly valued service to the community. Its mission statement, in fact, was “Helping creative people achieve their dreams.” The company was full of people who bought into this value and lived it. I was one of them.
Over time, after several changes in ownership, this company’s values shifted. While it was not explicitly expressed, the new value was profit. Certainly the old values had not disappeared, but loyalties and priorities had shifted. However, my priority and loyalty remained the same: service. On a near-daily basis, I had to manage the conflicting values between myself and the people I reported to. In the end, I stopped trusting them (and they stopped trusting me) because I knew their decisions and motivations were based on money, and mine were based on serving people and relationships.
Did I understand and empathize with their views? Yes. Did I expect them to validate my beliefs? No. My beliefs remain what they are without validation. I don’t seek that out. I do enjoy seeking out people with different views, perspectives, and values (which is why I love to travel), because it helps me re-examine and better understand my own.
Another example: Peace Corp members have a shared experience or set of values that tends to build trust right away even if they don’t know each other. So even if they have perspectives/beliefs that are conflict, they are more likely to listen to each other! I think this is human.
Or—I have a strong belief that print books will go away and digital reading will reign, and most people I know and trust do NOT believe that, or want that to happen. We disagree. But these differences in perspectives/beliefs are fairly meaningless in the larger context of values/experiences of a higher order.
Operating on a day-to-day basis, we all need close, trusting relationships. For me, those relationships will be with people who have similar operating instructions. I couldn’t date or fall in love with someone who didn’t have empathy and kindness as a strongly held value. Similarly, I’m not likely to spend much time on communities that don’t exhibit similar values. (E.g, I won’t be joining 4chan any time soon, though I’m fascinated and intrigued by what happens there.)
I don’t think this prevents engagement and interaction on many other levels—that is, I don’t need to trust someone in order to have an enlightening conversation with them. Maybe this is the point you are making, but I don’t think it’s contrary to what Sinek is saying.
Also … this might go without saying, but the context of this talk was within the realm of business and marketing. I think it still applies very much to everyday life and interactions, but I think one of the reasons Sinek didn’t elaborate on some of the finer point brought up here is that he’s speaking from a marketing framework.
I love the post and the angle that Sinek speaks from. I think I have quite a few things to say on this subject. Going to read through the comments so I can return and participate in a better capacity.
Excellent strategy!
The downside is that you see people splitting into groups that stridently believe certain things (about politics, religion, ethics, etc.) and cutting themselves off from groups that believe differently. Yes, you get trust and support within a group, but if you only talk to people who believe what you believe you also lose broader perspective and create a lot of friction between groups.
Perhaps, as Marshall McLuhan might say, the old conflicts between the
individual and society are being replaced with conflicts between tribes.
And just as there have been always people who didn’t fit with society,
now there are people who cannot find their tribe.
Nonetheless, I think Simon is right about the advantages of being yourself, finding a group you can be yourself with, working with people you see eye to eye with. When you don’t succeed at this, your life is full of insecurity and it’s harder to be successful.
He’s also right about establishing trust by thinking about and helping others.
Love the McLuhan reference! And your last point especially is something I find most compelling about Sinek’s talk: Establish trust by thinking about and helping others. He’s one of the most “other-caring” business speakers I’ve heard; the very last thing I’d consider him to be is protective, exclusionary, or close-minded.
I could be wrong, but I don’t believe Sinek is advocating that you cut yourself off from diversity or people who don’t hold the same belief systems. Rather, he is commenting on the types of relationships that guide our decisions, how those relationships develop, and how that dynamic translates into marketing and business relationships.
Inner belief is the best way of living sometimes thinking outside the box is the best way of thinking sometimes we all sit on the fence at some stage or another . At the end of the day we all make our mistakes and learn from them ,some of us are very vocal and others are quietly confidenent . Trust is a very hard thing in todays world but has to be done in everyday life no matter what the out come . Very good speaker but at the end of the day confidence in ourselves and others isnt always easy . I try to complament other people working with the public it makes peoples day by been positive and polite people react better to you .
Confidence in who I am (even knowing who I am!) wasn’t easy when I was young. It’s getting easier as I get older. I’d like to think it’s a good thing. When you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you—including people who hold different values/beliefs.
Look for People Who Believe What You Believe | Jane Friedman:I have enjoyed this immensely. I feel that ‘Empathy can be brought to bear toward many engagements and that is where my best personal communication success shows itself. The statement of ‘hey I can work with anyone, comes to mind. The Experience of empathy with another in spite of all that is presented speaks of hard work indeed, more than just an intellectual exercise or a gap filler.
I like this quote from the Dalai Lama: “We cannot learn real patience and tolerance from a guru or a friend. They can be practiced only when we come into contact with someone who creates unpleasant experiences.”
I like this quote from the Dalai Lama: “We cannot learn real patience and tolerance from a guru or a friend. They can be practiced only when we come into contact with someone who creates unpleasant experiences.”
I like this quote from the Dalai Lama: “We cannot learn real patience and tolerance from a guru or a friend. They can be practiced only when we come into contact with someone who creates unpleasant experiences.”
Wow! This guy was amazing.
Agreed!
Thanks for the post!
When we are trying to build community as writers, for example, it makes good business sense to seek those who share a common culture. The truth is we all have cultures that we identify with, those we don’t. It is a fact of life, is it not? It is a product of our race, ethnicity, gender, geography, religious beliefs, even the football team we cheer for.So, won’t it take less energy (and if you’re your own business manager, agent, etc. how you use your energy is important) to build a fledgling community with those who believe like you (intracultural relations)? Once that is established, clearly (if you have any biz savvy) you will branch out to include as many as you can in your community who don’t necessarily believe as you do (intercultural relations).
Don’t ya think?
Great comment—I agree!
[…] to Jane Friedman, here’s are two talks from Simon Sinek that touch on […]