Has Rejection Turned You Into Someone You’re Not?

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“Don’t allow your wounds to transform you into someone you are not.” —Paulo Coelho

It doesn’t happen often, but every once in a while, I hear a story (second hand) about writers who have been wounded by my feedback. These stories reach me many years after the feedback has been given.

Every single time, while I usually remember the writer in question, I have forgotten what I said, or what the project was about.

I often like to advise writers: Don’t take rejection personally. When you seek commercial publication, you have to switch mindsets. You have to see your writing as a product. You’re entering into a business transaction.

Of course, that’s very easy for me to say. I’m not the one being rejected. That said, I’ve had my share of professional, business-based rejection, too. It gets easier the more you experience it. And when you work on the inside of a publishing house, and you see how decisions get made day to day, you realize there’s nothing about it that any author ought to take seriously.

I wish I could tell those writers, the ones who carry wounds from words I uttered years ago, that what I said was not meant to be taken seriously. It was said as part of my business day, and sometimes I forget there could be a person allowing my words to carry a weight they shouldn’t have.

If you’re carrying around a rejection burden, I hope you’ll reflect on whether or not the person who rejected you is still thinking about it, or could even recall the rejection. If they’re not likely to be carrying a burden, then why do you keep it around for yourself?

For additional inspiration: multiple versions of Two Monks Carry a Woman

  • melitasmilovic

    This is great advice. I was just thinking today how rejection has made me tougher and better at taking criticism. It has taken a long time for me to learn not to take rejection or criticism personally. As you say, it’s about the work/product. I think understanding this has made me a better writer and a happier person.

  • http://twitter.com/ficwriter Darrelyn Saloom

    Great post and reminder, Jane. I’ve also always loved the Two Monks Carry a Woman story. 

  • James Scott Bell

    I love what Ron Goulart said. “Never assume that a rejection of your stuff is also a rejection of you as a person. Unless it’s accompanied by a punch in the nose.”

  • http://twitter.com/res41Please RFOP

    Jane,
    Thanks so much for your advice. It’s all quite valid. I think what people should remember with writing is that it’s a highly saturated market. It’s not as simple as write something… submit it… get published. It takes work and perseverance. Rejection is all part of the game.
    Thanks!
    Lexi

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  • Heather

    This is such great advice. Even when you do have several books published, you can still face rejection. So this is even more important to remember (as well as when you get those nasty reviews or emails from complaining readers).

  • Heather

    This is such great advice. Even when you do have several books published, you can still face rejection. So this is even more important to remember (as well as when you get those nasty reviews or emails from complaining readers).

  • http://twitter.com/SteveCordero Steven Cordero

    Conceptually good advice, and writers most certainly must not wallow in the pain of rejection, but there’s no comparison between what an agent feels when rejecting a query/submission and the what the writer feels when rejected. Agents have zero invested in what she rejects so, of course, she is not going to carry a burden.  How could she? If she did then the agent would be an emotional wreck after sending out her dozens of rejection emails a week.

  • http://twitter.com/SteveCordero Steven Cordero

    Conceptually good advice, and writers most certainly must not wallow in the pain of rejection, but there’s no comparison between what an agent feels when rejecting a query/submission and the what the writer feels when rejected. Agents have zero invested in what she rejects so, of course, she is not going to carry a burden.  How could she? If she did then the agent would be an emotional wreck after sending out her dozens of rejection emails a week.

  • http://twitter.com/SteveCordero Steven Cordero

    Conceptually good advice, and writers most certainly must not wallow in the pain of rejection, but there’s no comparison between what an agent feels when rejecting a query/submission and what the writer feels when rejected. An agent has nothing invested in what she rejects so, of course, she is not going to carry a burden.  How could she? If she did then the agent would be an emotional wreck after sending out her dozens of rejection emails a week.

  • http://twitter.com/SteveCordero Steven Cordero

    Conceptually good advice, and writers most certainly must not wallow in the pain of rejection, but there’s no comparison between what an agent feels when rejecting a query/submission and what the writer feels when rejected. An agent has nothing invested in what she rejects so, of course, she is not going to carry a burden.  How could she? If she did then the agent would be an emotional wreck after sending out her dozens of rejection emails a week.

  • Bob Mayer

    I just hit #2 overall on Nook with a book that a couple of editors rejected saying they didn’t know how they could market it.  Guess someone was wrong.

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    When listening to advice/criticism/feedback, I think it’s helpful to think of yourself as an observer or reporter, collecting information—rather than as someone listening to a verdict!  :)

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    Yes! One of my favorites!

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    LOL! Indeed.

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    Thinking of it as a game is exactly right.

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    A good adage: What other people think of you isn’t your business.

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    If you would like to suffer & be in more pain over rejection (than the agent), that’s one way to play the game. But only one way.

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    There’s an imbalance in the sense that it’s the very framework you’ve created. Change the framework, change the impact.

  • Anonymous

    I received a rejection email last night and my first thought was to just delete it. Then I decided to take a punt on replying. I sent thanks for the email (at least she was decent enough to contact me) and asked if there was any feedback she could give. She emailed back a couple of minutes later to say that my pitch was fine but that it wasn’t really her genre. That pulled me up short, because it made me realise my pitch was actually flawed – I had sent it to her because based on her other clients I knew she would understand how to reach the audience I wanted to sell to and secondly, even though I put my book in a ‘political thriller’ box, it has a strong character base – again her forte. However, I had made neither of those things clear in my pitch. 

    I was extremely grateful for her feedback, it has transformed the way I will pitch in the future, and helped clarify my perspective on my book. I’m glad I pitched to her. She was professional and helped me refine where I go in the future.

  • Jen Nipps

    When I first started submitting, I took rejection personally. Now, I like to move on to “onward and upward” as quickly as possible. That wasn’t the place for that piece? OK. Let’s move on.

    Now… That said, sometimes it can take a while to get to that point depending on the importance I’ve placed on said submission. For example, if/when one of my novel submission (that’s currently pending) comes back, I’ll give it a day, max. More likely, I’ll get over it in an hour. The other one that’s out (that has been revised as requested a few times now), if that one comes back rejected, I might very well sit down and have a good cry. lol

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    I’m so happy to hear that you received good feedback! Sometimes I think it’s the not knowing (or the silence!) that can do more damage than the rejection itself.

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    Your comment/observation reminds me how much I believe in the importance of rituals to help us (1) mark the time, (2) mark the pain, and/or (3) mark the change. If we have a ritual (e.g., having a good cry) I think it can make a world of difference in our day-to-day life. It helps us transition, even celebrate, and grow.

  • Karen Adams

    The way writers react to rejection has turned me into someone I’m not. I offer very little in the way of help or advice anymore. Case in point: Bob Mayer’s comment here. The editors said they couldn’t market it and passed and now he’s hooting that he proved them ”wrong.” How so? They might still not know how to market it in a way that makes sense for their house. I see this kind of small-minded nastiness every single day. ”Not right for us” does not mean ”a stinking pile of unpublishable crap.” It’s a writers’s choice to hear it that way, and to react accordingly. The last time I tried to “help” a writer, to suggest changes I thought would make her ms publishable with a certain house, my reward was a series of nasty tweets and blog posts. Not “thank you for your time, I don’t want to make those changes” but a sustained personal and professional attack, the main gist of which I don’t even understand. (Something to do with “nobody taking dramatic analysis anymore.” WTF?) At bottom, I had the temerity to see something differently from the writer and she intended to make me pay for that. Now, unless I’m taking a project on, unless I’m being paid by the writer or publishing house for my editorial expertise, I decline everything without comment. Any bit of advice, anything you say to try to be helpful or even explain your thinking is as likely to be twisted and used against you as it is to be put to use by the writer. Who needs it?

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    As a follow-up thought, too … I think these moments are incredibly valuable for a little questioning of ourselves, such as:

    Does it matter to me who rejects it, or is it simply the fact it is rejected?

    Does the number of rejections matter, or simply that it will ultimately be accepted?

    Does the reason it is rejected matter? Why do some reasons feel better than others?

    Why is it important that it is accepted? Is it important who ultimately accepts it?

    If it is never accepted, what does that ultimately mean for the time I’ve put into this? Does it mean that I’ve wasted my time? Why or why not?

    With every answer there is usually another question that gets asked. I recommend going as far down the rabbit hole as possible.

  • Jefferson Hansen

    Heck, this is good advice for all of life. I have at times carried around guilt for something I did to a person for years, only to find out that he or she doesn’t even remember it. Carrying excess emotional weight is very human, but it’s burdensome.

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    :) VERY human. Thanks for commenting!

  • Kelly Andrews

    Of course it’s unhealthy for writers to wallow in rejection, but there is a big imbalance in the impact of each rejection on either party.

    In the time that it takes a writer to draft and revise a single novel, an agent may reject thousands of queries. No wonder the rejection means more to the writer — if his novel is rejected, he can write another in six months or a year. The agent need only wait a day to have a whole new selection of queries to flip through.

  • http://IrvingsJourney.com Irving Podolsky

    As you and Karen Adams pointed out, rejection isn’t fun for agents and teachers either. I am not an agent, but I know they must follow guidelines within their agencies and their connections to the publishing houses. They also are readers in private life and have preferences for style and subject matter. You just can’t get around that in the fiction world. So when as agent rejects a query, it’s usually about falling outside the guidelines. And when an agent rejects a partial read or the whole MS, it’s usually because personal taste and world views don’t line up with the writer’s. Or it maybe the writing is not up to par. But barring that, finding the right agent who responds positively to your particular style and story is a matter of luck, numbers and perseverance.

    One thing I remind myself when submitting my written work. Do I like every book I read? No. Do I start books and not finish them? Yes. Do I think some authors are better than others? Of course. Do I like some genres more than others? You bet. So why should I demand that an agent have unconditional love of my stuff? I must not fall into a double standard! But sometimes I do.

    Irv

  • Patricia Gligor

    Good advice, Jane. Through the years, I’ve learned not to take rejection personally. In a perfect world, every agent, editor and publisher that I send my work to would rejoice and be glad to receive – and publish it. We all know that we don’t live in a perfect world.

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    But the perfect world sounds a little boring—where’s the challenge?  ;-)

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    Great insight! Thanks, Irv.

  • Chris Blake

    Thanks , Jane. You’re right on target. It’s easy for writers to get jaded and cynical. Focus instead on the advice given, whether it’s from your writers’ group or an agent. I’ve met with agents and submitted my work to agents. I’ve always been rejected but in my experience, agents are generous with their advice and feedback. It’s best not to be bitter, but to focus on improving your work.

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