What Causes Heartbreak (#2)

My high school sweetheart ended up attending the same college as I did. We both knew it was a bad idea (we had widely different interests), but ah, young love, right?

It didn’t take long before he transferred to a different school … overseas.

We knew it was over once he left the States, though we still emotionally leaned on each other via e-mail for much of the school year, and had a pseudo-relationship.

As inevitably happens, though, you meet other people, and even the pseudo-ness goes away. He met someone first, and I found out suddenly when calling him one night. His roommate informed me he was at his girlfriend’s place. Ouch.

Around that time, he e-mailed me one of those precious and idealistic notes, full of heart, to the effect of, “Remember I’ll always love you.”

Life went on, as it always does, even when you don’t want it to. He and I occasionally exchanged messages, and I remember forwarding one to my girlfriend and asking for her interpretation. “Well, it’s clear he still loves you, but with the ass part of his heart.”

Sometimes it’s easier when people choose to hate you altogether. Being half-ignored, half-blocked, low on the totem … when you used to priority No. 1? Another cause of heartbreak.

About Jane Friedman

Jane Friedman is a full-time assistant professor of e-media at the University of Cincinnati, and the former publisher of Writer's Digest. She has spoken on writing, publishing, and the future of media at more than 200 events since 2001, including South by Southwest, BookExpo America, and the Association of Writers and Writing Programs.

Jacqui Armstrong

I understand what you mean by being “half-ignored, half-blocked,” and sometimes this happens even when you are just friends with someone. At first, you are #1, your words and ideas mean everything to this person, and, then, slowly the interaction changes. I guess it is inevitable that relationships between people will change; it never remains at the same level of intensity, which is often good because sometimes we begin to lose our identity and we need space away from the other to grow.
http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

Excellent point, I’ve had it happen with friends, too.

Your comment reminds of Gibran: “But let there be spaces in your togetherness / And let the winds of the heavens dance between you / Love one another but make not a bond of love.”
Jacqui Armstrong

Thank you for the quote, Jane. I’m still musing over “make not a bond of love” because I am really just hearing it for the first time. Traditionally, we read or we are told that one should bond and become one, but that is not really correct, is it?
Simon

I have had enough time separated to know more about the ‘how’ I am in a friendship/ relationship.
A how to be in a relationship; its been an education and the maturing of me and that has been the answer…a knowing of where in myself the other person sits, how I am really effected by them. It has been necessary for me to be objective and remove myself from my heart to know the answer,…also a Spiritual Friendship and consideration has developed and this has been ok.
http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

To be objective & remove oneself—a huge difficulty, I think. At least in the midst of love or heartbreak. One does wish to be more like a Zen monk …
http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

My mother commented to me that this post describes pride-break more than heartbreak. That thought occurred to me. Certainly a lot of other emotions get mixed up with love.

But I think I’m most pondering the dynamic of how you might still view your partner as No. 1 priority while they view you as an option. Then you are forced to pretend you feel differently, or look really stupid, or just be that vulnerable.

And/or – what often happens to me: Your emotional support network becomes a single romantic partner, and when that person’s gone, it’s a very long trip to the bottom of the mountain.
http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

I think it’s often convention, but I don’t think it’s necessarily correct. One of the best books on this topic: LOVE, FREEDOM, ALONENESS by Osho.
Jacqui Armstrong

I think your mother could be right about the post being about “pride-break” because so many college romances are exploratory and rarely ever last. It’s often a case of meeting the right person at the wrong time in your life: you are in love but not ready for the commitment that follows with that kind of love because you are still growing and learning about relationships.

You mentioned about one’s emotional support network coming from a single romantic partner and the effects of that support no longer being there. What if that emotional support is not even coming from a romantic partner, but someone who shares one of your interests? This is someone who shares your passion for writing, you enjoy the exchange of ideas, and you expect and want his encouragement. Now you must face the possibility of that support no longer being there. You are forced to come to terms with the idea that this person is only on loan to you and that you have become emotional vulnerable because you need or want his support. This idea of being emotional vulnerable or emotional dependent, as I call it, is scary. How do you avoid becoming so emotional entangled? Even if it’s not your romantic partner but a friend, I think that it can still be a “very long trip to the bottom of the mountain.”
Simon

To become objective in the language of the heart and what that contains came about by exploring types of intimacy. I found the emotional master in me to be not such a good steward with which to bring resolve to the sense of loss following an event, because it is always in play, always in active mode and always in flux.So, it is ever changing and if my intellectual resolve is attached to that then my thoughts around an issue can be effected.

The sense of loss or any natural emotional presence I do not quell with over thinking other than simple rationale. The sense of unbridled loss can become despair I have noticed, so I bring a better steward to the nature of matters of the Heart. I have had to look at what Love really is all about and I can report it asks that my acceptance of all it brings into my life, I celebrate. That is to reward the ‘what’- had been between another and myself. The history.

The emotional range of each person is unique I feel and also a canvas in which we can see much good form and heart of a person. The management of the sense of loss is to bring a process to move away from the debilitating the lingering or the unhelpful. When I bring my own heart to the affair and bring the celebration of all that my little life has about it, I have brought a better manager to my emotional life. The thing is I feel, is to stay open and experience all..even the pain and sense of loss and observing of the others good life..

The understanding of the nature of heartbreak and its unfolding comes after the fact…and what comes before is the beautiful thing, the Canvas.
http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

I agree – it happens with friends, too.

Aside from that: I recently rewatched “When Harry Met Sally,” and I had forgotten how the movie is interspersed with real-life couples (who are still together and at an advanced age) who talk about how they met and have stayed together.

At first, you think you’re going to find out some secret or magic sauce to relationships that have so-called happy endings. Then you realize by the end of the movie there is no secret—that relationships happen and end and last for all kinds of reasons.

So, I’m reluctant to view college romances as strictly exploratory, though until one has more developed into themselves (until they feel right in their skin), relationships can be pursued and chosen for all kinds of reasons that make them short-term (or a bad idea).

But some people do get it right from the start. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt life would be easier and more pleasant if I were one of those people. Grass is always greener.

And, to clarify: This post wasn’t meant to be linked to heartbreak only in this college relationship. It’s a dynamic I’ve experienced again and again … abandonment.

That’s what this post is really about.
http://www.famousquotes.com/ Inspirational Quotes

i do agree that relationships between people change.. you cannot controls one’s heart no matter what you do..