My Most Valuable & Destructive Physical Possession

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I’ve been keeping a journal off and on ever since I was about 12 years old. The earliest journals, written in hand, survive.

During high school, for a brief period, I switched to disk, and promptly lost every disk by the time I graduated. So I got smarter, and started a habit of only journaling by hand.

A recent discussion with friends sparked the question, “What is your most valuable physical possession?” (I think we were talking about e-books vs. physical books—and that I would have no problem getting rid of every last book on my shelves if I could get a digital copy with my annotations.)

I knew the answer right away, though I was half-ashamed to admit it: my journals.

It seems a strange ego problem to so highly value one’s own solipsistic (and too often angst-filled) notes on life. As an adult, though, my journals have also started to include bits of ephemera, memorabilia.

I rarely go back to old journals, except when maudlin. Or when seeking threads of thought (patterns) that span years and years, a glimpse into some core self or deeply held direction, if such a thing exists at all.

But the biggest thing they’ve taught me is how stupid I can be, how I can get stuck in little loops, chasing my own tail … all the while consciously hoping I’ll snap out of it. It is pathetic to observe one’s past self despair at a continued despair. I marvel at the unnecessary angst. I spot horrible mistakes that I even wrote about as mistakes, as they happened.

The journals become symbols—motivations—to act without angsting so much, and to stop churning the past.

Now that I’ve identified something in my life as being-too-important, I have an urge to destroy its presence and power (and since I’m still driven to journal, to burn future entries as soon as I’ve finished with them). They are an outlet for, or a release from, delusions of the mind; they are not pointing the way forward.

About Jane Friedman

Jane Friedman is a full-time assistant professor of e-media at the University of Cincinnati, and the former publisher of Writer's Digest. She has spoken on writing, publishing, and the future of media at more than 200 events since 2001, including South by Southwest, BookExpo America, and the Association of Writers and Writing Programs.

  • Kostat

    I lost all of my earlier journals because of moving. Now I started again when my grand-daughter was born five years ago. What I’ve been doing is painfully writing my story; many times I would just stop and cry. Reading just about everything you posted, you have given me courage. Just wanted to say thank you.

  • Debbie Ridpath Ohi

    I’m been keeping a journal for over 40 years now. My first one had flowers on it and had a tiny lock and a tiny key. I poured out my heart about friendship angst and schoolgirl crushes, but then got so embarrassed about what I had written that I put the diary in a plastic bag and buried it in our family’s backyard. I tried to find it years later, but with no luck.

    I’ve gone through all sizes and types of print journals over the years. They’ve been with me through wedding stress and joy, the births of my nieces and nephews, the death of my mother from cancer and the deaths of my brother and his wife in a car accident. They know me better than anyone.

    I’ve regretted my childhood decision to hid that first journal so much that I’ve resolved never to destroy my other journals, no matter how much I want to. Like you, I rarely go back to reread them.

    Thanks for this post, Jane.

  • Jean Wise

    I am a long time journal keeper and would like you rush to save them! I even have over 60 years of my great Aunt Anna’s journals – quite a legacy. I fully believe my kids will read them some day so keep that in mind but would say I am 99% honest in them. Most of my writings our my spiritual musings, hopes, dreams, discernment. I do go back and reread them with a highlighter periodically to see trends, lessons, and reminders. I am often amazed how many journalers there are out there.

    heard this a long time ago:
    Now a lay me down to sleep,
    I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
    If I should die before I wake,
    Please, Lord, throw my journals in the lake.

  • http://onewomanseye.blogspot.com Joanne Tombrakos

    I’ve been journaling since they called it a diary and it had a lock and key on it!
    I have a box of them in my closet that I rarely look at, although did this past winter when I was researching my novel. I think they provide great material for new story. For that alone they are worth keeping! However, if you must part with them I suggest a huge bonfire of release under a new moon!

  • http://www.enterthebetween.blogspot.com Margaret Duarte

    I’ve been keeping journals since my college days and still have every one. In fact, I refer to them all them time. They are full of story ideas, poems, and yes, “solipsistic notes on life.” Next to my family photo albums, they are probably my most valuable “physical” possession. Each morning, I sit down with a cup of coffee, the newspaper, a short inspirational read of some kind (currently Science of Mind magazine), and my journal. I’ve plotted out all four of my novels this way, wrote out dialogue, descriptions, complete scenes, exposition, lots of “skiff” writing that has become parts of my books, you name it. I refer back to them all the time. Actually, I should keep them in my safe. That’s how valuable they are to me.

  • http://twitter.com/ficwriter Darrelyn Saloom

    Oh, Jane, don’t throw them away. Deirdre’s diary has been invaluable while writing her memoir. So many details she would have forgotten. It’s not a diary, it’s a treasure trove of memories. I think the urge to destroy its presence fortifies my belief that you need to keep the journals. Or send them to me. I’ll store them for you. Seriously, store them and do whatever it takes to fight Resistance (go back and read my blog post). You may need them one day.

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    Sending all my encouragement your way. Leaving a record for friends and family is one of the most important things we can do.

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    Wow! If that first one had a metal lock (so did mine!), maybe it’s time to look into a metal detector. :)

    Appreciate you taking time to comment.

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    LOL! Absolutely love that last line. So true.

    Honesty in journaling is a tricky issue for me. While I don’t exactly think I’m writing lies to myself, I’m driven to write most frequently during times of particular stress and heightened emotion, when I write the most questionable and ridiculous things. It also becomes a method to test out ideas, figure out what I really believe.

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    Yes! I do think that’s another reason I’ve been driven to hang onto these journals … future research material! There are also some stunning emotional triggers there—for poems, stories, blog entries … books!

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    Science of Mind magazine! Good reading tip, will have to check that out.

    I keep a separate set of notebooks (I wouldn’t call them journals) that use grid paper, that I use for brainstorms about productive work and ideas to pursue. I still love sketching and brainstorming ideas & career plans by hand, rather than on a computer.

    Yes—a safe. That’s actually a good idea not only for protection from the elements (e.g., fire), but also from other people’s eyes.

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    You’re always so kind, Darrelyn!

    I haven’t yet ambled down to the Ohio River to pitch them in, so I’ll save them at your urging. I trust your instincts. :)

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  • http://www.MaryCronkFarrell.net Mary

    Jane, I so relate to your post. My first diary had a wild sixty’s color scheme. I hid it so well I couldn’t find it for a year and by then I’d lost the key and had to break it open.

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    Thanks so much, Mary. My first diary had teddy bears on it (with a lock, too). :)

  • http://twitter.com/bud_caddell Bud Caddell

    The deeper I get into a single journal, the more useful I find flipping through the pages rather than writing new ones. Those loops, destructive patterns, and the like are important to discover, and journals suss them out rather well. But like most coping mechanisms, the power of journaling ebbs and flows. I say, put them away, and come back to them when you need them.

  • http://www.tobyneal.net/ Toby Neal

    I don’t blame you a bit. I’ve been journaling for about as long, and while I don’t want my kids reading them when Im gone, they are the footprints of my own journey. Good for laughs and a few tears at the different phases, and they really truly help me rememeber things I’d have forgot without a record of it…like the year I worked full time, did an internship, and finished my Masters while raising teenagers. I literally don’t remember anything from that time, my journal reminds me how I survived it. And by doing so, makes everything else Im doing now (two jobs and trying to get published and plan a third book) seem do-able.
    One thing my journals have taught me though- I often thought I was “deep” and erudite in my journals. Ergh. my early outpourings are flame-worthy. That too is worth knowing, and being reminded of.
    Great blog topic!

  • Leila

    I had a journal when I was 9 and through some weird events of a cleaning spree an aunt found it and read all my deepest thoughts to her other 9 sisters. From then on a journal was kept for just ideas. I have kept three journals in the past 17years. They functioned as plans and thoughts vault nothing more – I tried to not be emotional. On some days I feel so sad not having that haven but I assure myself that it’s for the best, making sure the paper sheets have no power over me. Life happens and I don’t know if I could handle an expose like that again.

    So I understand your clash. Journals carry the essence of a person I think and it would be a very interesting thing to see another explore you like that – by reading your journal.

    Good luck on keeping them.

  • deannadares

    Jane, this post rings so true to me. I’ve kept journals at certain times of my life, usually when I’m going through a lot of upheaval and need more time mulling than friends or even a good therapist wants to give! It’s healing, to get the feelings out, but I can’t stand to read them even a week later. The ritual of writing things down and then burning them is very appropriate for journals, I think.

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  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    That sounds immensely wise. Appreciate you taking time to comment, Bud.

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    “I often though I was ‘deep’ and erudite” — oh, goodness, you’re so right. It is worth knowing how wrong we are about that.

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    Wow, that aunt sounds evil!

    I’ve suffered similar trespasses. It makes it difficult to go back to those journals again. I can’t read them without thinking how someone else has reacted/judged, or been hurt, or acted differently as a result. The whole dynamic changes.

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    Fascinating! What a premise! Appreciate the tip.

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    Yes! Sometimes it feels like there’s a thin line between emotional vomiting on the page (which can be tough/impossible to read later) and thoughtful probing/reflection.

  • http://twitter.com/Elissa_Malcohn Elissa Malcohn

    Part of my journal collection is pictured with commentary here:
    http://www.notebookism.com/2007/04/journal_series.html

    My first journal notebook dates to age six (I still have it!). Jane, I especially identify with your comment about saving entries for future research and writing material. I’ve generated now-published pieces, fiction and nonfiction, from old journal entries. Those notebooks contain my “raw data,” for better or for worse. Every few years or so I catch up on typing the entries, which give me electronic backups that are much easier to search through. They include scanned pages of file formats so old I couldn’t convert them to newer programs. (Those eight-inch floppies are now long gone.) And a flash drive is much easier to transport than a steamer trunk. :-)

  • Karin

    I am a long-time journaler too… My first diary featured “Snoopy” on the cover and also had a lock on it! I just wanted to share something that can put your journal material to good creative use. Have you ever heard of the show “Mortified”? It is a live show (very well produced) that features adults reading from their childhood journals, diaries, letters, etc. They have shows in multiple cities. You can check it out here: http://www.getmortified.com

  • http://www.janefriedman.com Jane Friedman

    I can’t even begin to imagine typing my entries! But the idea of digitization is certainly attractive.