Gift giving creates a lot of anxiety in our lives.
Or maybe just in mine. I hate the obligation and second-guessing that surrounds birthdays, holidays, special occasions, and invented special occasions. This goes for friends, family, colleagues, and romantic partners.
I don’t like receiving gifts. I don’t like shopping for them. On rare occasions, I enjoy giving them.
However, I do enjoy sharing them.
Ideal Gift-Giving Scenario #1
For The Conductor’s birthday, I made reservations at Local 127 for the chef’s table. Above is a video showing our view directly into the kitchen.
It was a decadent and unforgettable four-hour meal. His birthday was a good excuse and reminder to do something special together.
(For Cincinnatians & foodies, I highly recommend Local 127. They pride themselves on using local ingredients, and Chef Geddes is humble, generous, and friendly—as well as the only chef in the United States to also be a Master Sommelier.)
Ideal Gift-Giving Scenario #2
I was at Starbucks with a close friend. She wanted one of the notebooks on display but couldn’t bring herself to purchase it. So I went back later and got it for her, but there was no particular occasion involved.
My Proposal for Gift-Givers Everywhere
My gift-giving angst began sometime during my early teenage years. At some point you stop wanting the toys or games or typical stuff you ask for as a kid.
The problem was that the older I got, the less I wanted—except, perhaps, the means to get through school without being up to my ears in debt.
For gifts, let’s stop delivering more stuff (or monetary blessings) on proscribed occasions.
Rather let’s participate in experiential gift giving (share something together), or serendipitous gift giving. Let’s act in a way that shows our love, appreciation, or understanding for someone else. Or pushes us to grow.
With Close Friends & Romantic Partners
It’s such freedom to be able to say: Let’s stop with the gift-giving routine. Let’s do something fun together and also keep our lives possession-light.
With the romantic partners, it can take awhile to stop the madness. In my case especially, the obvious gifts appear until I’m ready to burn what I receive.
In one relationship, I always received a stuffed toy in a mug for about 2 years. In another, it was books-books-books—the worst possible gift for someone in publishing. Most recently, it was everything-and-anything New Yorker related. We had to have a discussion when the 10-pound hardcover coffee table book of covers arrived. Heavy gifts are the worst!
With Family
It’s tough. I have much older half-siblings who faithfully give cards and cash and other items on birthdays and Christmases.
And in return, I am horribly and terribly inconsistent. I’m tempted to save their cash or checks for when their birthdays come around, and return/recycle them, but that would look highly unappreciative.
But I have no idea what would be helpful or meaningful in their lives—just as they have no idea what would be helpful in mine.
The conundrum persists. Ideas, anyone?
About Jane Friedman
Jane Friedman is a full-time assistant professor of e-media at the University of Cincinnati, and the former publisher of Writer's Digest. She has spoken on writing, publishing, and the future of media at more than 200 events since 2001, including South by Southwest, BookExpo America, and the Association of Writers and Writing Programs.
