Best Buds on Inis Meain (Ireland)

My recent post on romance inspired beautiful comments, both on this blog and on my Facebook page.

One of my favorite observations came from Beth Leslie: “The person who we choose to empathize with is the person we love … or the person who chooses to empathize with us. To sense true empathy from another is a rare and beautiful thing.”

This reminded me of a quote I agree with:

I don’t want to be loved. I want to be understood.

I googled the phrase and found an unreliable attribution to the film director Fassbinder.

In romantic relationships I observe, the love comes first—often irrationally and without asking your permission—and later you might understand the object of your love.

And so it’s ironic that love can be so counterproductive to greater understanding. You know the old ultimatum: “If you loved me, then you would … [insert expectation or demand here].”

Which is why I like Beth’s comment so much. When The Conductor and I first met, it was his deep empathy for me that attracted me and kept me around, not love.

This particular relationship has helped me realize more deeply what I want: I seek to deeply understand others (which only comes with observation and questioning) and also be understood—in work, service, love, play, family, friendship. I want to live around people with the potential for great empathy, and I want to exhibit more of that quality—which takes practice and training. More on that later.